The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea has just held another presidential erection – that’s what they call elections there. Either way, they both precede you get screwed.
With just one candidate on the ballot papers, it wasn’t a very taxing decision for voters to make, unlike the abominable mess here in South Africa, where you have to decide between over seventy parties. In a country with an average IQ hovering around 77% that can be heavily taxing.
Having never voted before, none of this really bothered me, but now that I’ve made up mind that I will, I can’t make up my mind who I send to the parliamentary buffet for the next five years. As a person of economic struggles, the POES Party appeals to me. They are on my shortlist of four parties. My left brain says POES or DAGGA. My right brain says COPE or CAPE.
The left part of my brain has landed me in a lot of hot water down the years. It drives the anarchist in me, but it has also gotten me laid plenty of times, while the right side of my brain protests and tries to issue me warnings of caution and harps on about trivial things like consequences. But, to be fair, I have to be thankful to the right side of my brain – it has saved me from getting ensnared by the Matrimonial Grim Reaper many times – almost as many times as I’ve been laid. It’s one thing to have fun – it’s another to spend the rest of your life waking up next to the last person you had fun with.
In the heat of the moment, the left brain tells me “she’s gorgeous – she’s fantastic – she’s the one”. In the morning my right brain smugly says “see, told you so”.
The thing that attracts me to the POES Party is that you can call the president a Poes if they win. Not that I don’t call our current president one now, privately inside the confines of my left brain. Fortunately the right side of my brain holds me back from saying it aloud in public.
I started writing this wanting to congratulate Kim Jong Un on his landslide victory in the DPRNK, but the mention of erections gave my left brain the opportunity to lead me astray again.
So let me switch to right brain mode now. Just like they do in North Korea, South Africa also holds “free and fair elections”, every five years, and just like in North Korea, the result is a foregone conclusion. The similarities don’t end there – the VAT rate in NK is also 15%, but nobody has to pay income tax – almost the same here where 90% don’t have to. However, the 10% that do, seem content to carry on doing so. Once they decided to arrange a protest, but it turned into a selfie-taking opportunity and petered-out into a sundowner’s bonanza for the local pubs, before the sun set. It’s almost the same in NK – only there, if you protest, you will be wearing a toe-tag before the sun sets.
Returning to the dilemma of who to vote for in May, assuming that the Yanks haven’t invaded by then and ESKOM’s turbines are still spluttering along, it seems pretty obvious that I’ll have to let my right brain make the decision.
Nationally, I can cope with the idea of COPE becoming number two. Their leader knows the comrades very well and doesn’t take much shit from them.
Regionally, I simply can’t cope with the idea of another five years of self-congratulating DA rule in my hood, so I’ll vote CAPE. Hopefully, they will win enough support to grab the DA by the goons and force it to become a real opposition party. However, the IQ of the typical Cape inhabitant, particularly those living in the plush areas, with high fences and armed response panic buttons in their bedrooms, is going to be a mountain to climb. You can also forget about any Kugel on the Atlantic seaboard ever ditching the DA – they think Mmusi is “to die for”. I wish they would.
I’ve decided that if the Kugels win again, I’ll flee to the DPRNK – it’s almost an anagram for my favourite anti-social activity and looks like a good place to stay poes drunk in. Much like Cape Town is.
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