The Reluctant Kinsman is a madcap collection of mischief, malevolence, mayhem and mystery. The book is divided into three parts – Grim Determination, The Great Primordial Gatsby and Eyes Wide Shut, not to be confused with the Hollywood movie that goes by the same name.
Grim Determination deals with the author’s irreverent adventures as reluctant kinsman of what he calls the “Lost Tribe of Africa”. It’s a side-splitting satirical account of life in The Rainbow Nation and what he calls the “Big New S.A Lie”.
“Tell Michael Moore to sue me,” he often says pointing in the direction of Australia. “America’s that way,” someone once made the mistake of correcting him. “The poles are going to reverse soon, so who gives a shit?” he replied with an unnerving glare.
The humour is laden with flaming arrows that are fearlessly fired into the rump of the politically-correct establishment, with deadly precision, and his encounters with famed people like Deepak Chopra, Sylvester Stallone, P.W. Botha, Hansie Cronje and Yuri Ulianitski will have you rolling on the floor.
The Great Primordial Gatsby explores the sludge pond of evolution theory, which he refers to as “the con of the century”, the “evolution delusion” or “The Greatest Lie ever sold”.
“Tell Richard Dawkins, I’m not a fluking ape descendent and that he can take his microbic mutations and bubbles of cosmic energy and shove them up Steve Hawking’s sphincter,” he told me, knocking back another high-ball tumbler of his own home brewed moonshine.
Eyes Wide Shut, the third and final part, takes a cynical swipe at what Elsom refers to as the global “Bullshit Factory” and the insidious dumbing-down agenda being pushed by the mainstream media.
The Reluctant Kinsman is a rollercoaster ride of chaos and mayhem that will jolt you out of your apathy and change the way you think.
Alfred Enrico Newman.
THE RELUCTANT KINSMAN
A sampling of snippets and excerpts from all 48 stories…
GRIM DETERMINATION – WHY I WON’T BACK DOWN
BERMUDA TRIANGLES AND GURUS
Seconds later, the studio door opened and Barry Ronge and Deepak Chopra strode out. Dave introduced us. As if my day hadn’t been bad enough already, there I was standing face-to-face with Deepak Chopra. Nothing upsets my Karma more than a New Age guru.
It then dawned on me that they viewed me as some kind of marketing guru. Today was “guru” day! They were going from a new age guru, to a marketing guru. “Haven’t the listeners had enough of gurus for one day?” I mulled, still considering going after the fat bastard.
THE SPHINX AND THE 11th COMMANDMENT
And the beauty is, it’s also one of the most expensive insurance policies on the market. A good ELI costs you at least ten percent of your GROSS income before tax. Don’t be sneaky and try getting away ten percent of your NET after tax – it’s a cardinal sin and the assessors in the sky will pick it up and void your policy, and you could end up spending eternity living next door to Adolf Hitler or Robert Mugabe – if he ever dies.
There’s nothing to beat stretching out in bed on a Sunday morning and being able to let a really good ripper go, without fear of judgment or condemnation. Then you see a movement under the duvet cover and remember the twenty-three year old Ukrainian lap dancer you proposed to at 3am, earlier that morning…
THE DAY THE DEAD SEA TOOK RAMBO DOWN
“Check this Wally out,” I said to Joel, who was reading the Jerusalem Post in the water next to me. “Does he think he’s fuckin’ Rambo or something?”
I only found out who the guy was years later… It WAS Rambo – Sylvester Stallone was the cerebrally challenged dunce who dived into The Dead Sea that day in June 1999!
ME, MYSELF AND ALFRED
So why did Alfred and I have to flee this tranquilised haven, high in the Maluti Mountains and even higher on Maluti marijuana?
The Washington Post responded swiftly – they told us to “unsubscribe please.” Then Google suspended our email address for “suspicious usage”. Neither the CIA or CNN responded, but I’m still working on my tan in case Christiana Amanpour decides to give me a call.
THE BIG CROCODILE AND THE FISH THAT DIDN’T BITE ON ELECTION DAY
I’m not making this up – The Wilderness is a coastal village on the South Coast of South Africa, about four hundred and fifty kilometres from Cape Town. I lived there for eleven years and I don’t usually hallucinate that long.
“Here we go; it’s going to be one of those days,” I thought visualising myself being strapped to a table with someone snapping on a pair of rubber gloves, but the bodyguards waited at the gate and paid little attention to me. Then ‘PW’ came strolling down towards the gate wearing his trademark hat.
THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER, YURI THE RUSSIAN AND THE DEATH OF A SALESMAN
I met movie stars, sport stars, pop stars, porn stars, television personalities, FHM models, politicians, business tycoons, journalists, authors, artists, con-artists, inventors and even notorious gangsters – one gangster’s name was Yuri Ulianitski.
One day after telling him about someone who had screwed my business partner and I over, he opened his car boot and showed me his tools of trade – a baseball bat and an Uzi machine gun. “You vant me to fix it?” he offered smiling.
THE LOST TRIBE, FLYING PIGS AND OTHER EERIE TALES
We’re all equal, but like the Orwellian pigs that liberated Animal Farm, some are more equal than others. Eerily, the ‘liberated’ New South Africa is an almost word-for-word re-enactment of Orwell’s sinister metaphorical masterpiece, which exposes how greed destroys principle and ideal and how the ‘liberator’ soon becomes the new oppressor.
And so, they soldier on, trapped in a country that is not theirs, ruled by swine who dupe them into doing the bulk of the work, and are then made to hand over half of what they earn to the pigs, who spend the rare times they work, making laws to exact revenge on the donkeys, who nevertheless continue to work hard to fill the piggy-bank the treasury hands over to the pigs every year, so that they can sustain their globe-trotting lifestyles, change places names, buy luxury cars and mansions, to better serve the sheep.
BARBIE DOLLS AND ABU THE IRISH ARAB
It was one of those “to be, or not to be” dilemmas – a debate that could advance the cause of World Peace or a meaningless sweaty liaison on a Mediterranean beach with a teenage bimbo I didn’t know. It was a no-brainer…
Not all Arabs are noted for their sense of humour and Abu clearly wasn’t amused. He hurriedly gulped down his Guinness, before coldly telling me that he had to leave to meet a friend at a restaurant elsewhere on the promenade. “How are their spare ribs?” I asked, getting in one last blow, but not even the Irish side of Abu found that one funny, as he stalked out.
TURDUCKENS, TATTOOS AND ENTROPY
Once I spotted what looked like a heart tattooed onto a piece of pork rind I was chewing, but the chef told me that it was the Heart Foundation stamp and that Shirley was the meat packer’s name.
For those of you who know, it’s the immutable and wonderfully poetic principle of nature that dictates that ultimately everything breaks-down and self-destructs. And it’s happening to the human race – fast. Let’s speed it up a little…
WILLIE THE BURNT-OUT BANKER AND THE THAI MOB
That evening we paid the guys ‘King’ fingered a visit. Earlier that day we drove past their cottage to do a recce. One of them saw us drive past and made a throat slitting gesture at us – that sealed the deal.
I thought “that’s it, I’m effed. I’m going to jail – I’m going to experience my own Midnight Express ordeal in an Israeli prison.”
A SOOTHING COLLECTION OF KARMA DISTURBING THOUGHTS
Sensing its reprieve, the bull recovers and tosses the lifeless body into the VIP section of crowd by the crotch and does a lap of honour with the Matador’s testicles dangling from the tip of its horn.
Numerologist are perplexed by the 4-6-6-6-4 sequence of events and say that the odds of this coincidence happening are at least 46664-1. However, a spokesman for LEAD SA said that linking the strange numerical incident to the return of the Messiah was offensive to those of non-Christian faith, and contrary to their robust efforts to build a multi-cultural, tolerant society in South Africa.
BROTHERS IN ARMS IN THE OTHER ‘NAM’
Vietnam has been exhaustively documented, but it was not the only ‘Nam’. In the 70s and 80s South Africa had its own ‘Nam’ – on the white sands of the Namib – but because it was not a ‘fashionable’ war little has been written about it.
Three days later I was standing on a train platform in Cape Town, on my way back to work. I was a ‘normal’ citizen again. While I stood there waiting for the train, I thought about what was happening three thousand kilometers away. I looked at the glum, emotionless faces around me and wondered if any of them ever thought about what was going on up there, and if any of them even cared?
ONE NIGHT AT YESHIVA – EMBARRASSING MOMENT #888
My heart lifted at the commotion Prof Rosenberg’s introduction caused. There was great excitement and everyone started asking him questions. “Please God, keep them talking until the class ends,” I prayed silently, but my strike-rate with prayers and lesbians has never been particularly good.
The tenacity of the Israelis is something you can always count on – even at the worst of times.
DATING TIPS FOR THE CLUELESS
“Would you mind if I ask you a personal question?” she continued, without waiting for me to reply; “Are you married or involved?”
“Sure” I said, “Give me your number and I’ll call you when I’m free.” I wrote her number down on a piece of paper and as I bid her farewell, I crumpled it up into a ball and tossed it into the wastepaper basket a few meters away. I just love it when I pull off a direct wastepaper basket slam-dunk.
INGLORIOUS BASTARDS PART 1 – HONOUR AMONG THIEVES
When Nelson Mandela put on that green and gold rugby jersey in 1995, it was a PR stunt that elevated him to sainthood and the world checked its brains out onto a flight to oblivion.
Two hundred unpunished criminals in government – no problem, the Springboks are playing Samoa on Saturday. Corrupt Judges exposed ten to the dozen – no problem, Sepp Blatter gave us nine-out-of-ten for the World Cup. Farmers being murdered at a rate that rivals casualty rates in Baghdad – no problem, Castor Semenya just broke the women’s four hundred meter record by three seconds and the men’s by one-and-a-half in the process.
INGLORIOUS BASTARDS PART 2 – JOURNEY TO THE END OF THE RAINBOW
Alfred decided to take a journey to the end of the rainbow. After the death threats, he and I received, he thought it would be a good idea to get away for a while. I was relieved to be rid of him for a few days.
“Calamitus Necessaria Est,” Alfred muttered to himself, as he always does whenever he sees that logo. If you can’t work out the translation from Latin, don’t panic – you’re in good company. It means Disaster is Inevitable. Now you can panic.
THE DAY TARZAN AND I BEHAVED LIKE APES
The babble and laughter inside the tent quickly turned into shrieks and screams. Furniture went crashing and glasses and bottles shattered as they were sent flying. In the pandemonium they fled towards the door, but we’d tied a cable, about ankle height across it, to trip them as they fled. After four or five guys were sent sprawling, we departed, satisfied that we’d done enough to stop the unholy decadence.
I looked back at the ‘girl’ walking past, who looked like she should be in a James Bond movie or chewing gum ad, and turned back to the bar lady; “That’s a man?” I asked stunned. “Yes, she ladyboy. Me too,” she added with an impish smile. “You too?” I said gulping my beer. “Yes me also ladyboy,” she said as though it was the most normal thing on earth.
PROCTOLOGY AND OTHER GREAT CAREER CHOICES
“That’s my calling – I want to work on arseholes…” Admittedly, most of us end up working with arseholes, but choosing to work on them? The other orifices I can understand, but the butt?
Speaking of things nautical, it was a career move that saved me from hopping onto a ship that went down. It sank outside the Greek Isle of Paros, in the early hours of the morning, of 26 September 2000. I would have been on that ship, but I cancelled the holiday I’d booked, because I decided to change careers.
THE GREAT PRIMORDIAL GATSBY
THE SOUP STARTER
Forensic scientists have discovered that the average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. So just be thankful when you do find one of them and try not to think about the others you’ve missed.
They call it the Primordial Soup. Apparently, it’s the only soup that evolved itself – not only that, but according to Darwin’s theory, it evolved every other living thing on this planet too. You, me, Lucy Lu, a dog named Boo and U2.
THE ‘PI’ IN THE SKY
I heard recently that because Pi is an irrational number, it proves that the world was not created. It filled me with great hope and I celebrated the news with irrational abandon
He said nothing is real – it’s all just in our imaginations – I decided to put his philosophy to the test and slammed my beer bottle down on his fingers. “What, are you fucking crazy – what did you do that for?” he yelled, clasping his throbbing fingers. “Do what?” I replied – it was the end of the debate.
THE CELESTIAL TEAPOT AND A PLANET CALLED BONG
Would it be any less absurd for me to hypothesise that Russell’s teapot does not orbit the sun, but a planet inhabited by Rastafarians, who speak French backwards, called Bong? Can it be disproved? Can it be proved? Who is the burden of proof on?
Has the Hadron Collider finally discovered the supernova of humankind’s stupidity? Perhaps they’ll also discover Russell’s teapot, Adams’ Ice Crystal Pyramids of Sastantua and Bong. I doubt that the Rastafarians there will be too happy though.
THE ART OF COSMIC PROCTOLOGY
I tend to get distracted by thoughts like – is it really him speaking? Does the computer he speaks through have a virus too, or has it developed a mind of its own and now just using him as a dummy, like Jeff Dunham, does when he uses Walter, to say crazy things?
He calls it “The Event Horizon” and Hollywood has even made an R-rated movie about it. I think I’ll wait for the X-rated version, Lollywood comes up with.
QUARKS, DANCING STRINGS AND THE BULL-SHIH TZU
It’s an unnatural selection of unholy proportions and a disturbing thing to visually digest – almost as disturbing as seeing Donald Trump in drag, or Hilary Clinton would be if she stopped shaving her moustache.
It won’t be able answer questions like what makes goldfish and women attracted to shiny objects, why a butterfly flapping it’s wings in The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, can cause a sandstorm in Casablanca, or why a Mexican farting on a bus in Cancun, can affect a woman trying to thread a needle in Bangkok. It’s called the theory of the Interconnectivity of Everything, and should not be confused with the Theory of Everything.
THE CAVEMAN AND THE TRAGIC SINKING OF THE DARWIN
Soon chariot-rage became commonplace – though not as common as road-rage is in these more civilised times, it was much, much more bloody and gory, back then. They didn’t have the vocabulary skills we have today, to settle disputes verbally. The sentence – “Fuck you, you dumb fucking cunt,” was only used, for the first time, thousands of years later.
And just when things couldn’t get worse, someone invented money and the mayhem really broke loose.
A SORDID TALE OF FRAUD AND INCEST
It’s fairly obvious – telling people that they are more biologically related to pigs than apes wouldn’t be all that kosher now, would it?
Have you ever seen frog shit? It looks exactly like a mini human turd. Immediately I thought; “Aha, so this is what evolutionists see – I see a turd, but they see a taxa.”
After listening to Oscar’s testimony, I blurted out, “that’s Dolus Nonsensualus!” Sounds right doesn’t it? Actually I first said “that’s Dolus Bullshitualus” but I doubt that the Law Society would accept that version as easily as Judge Masipa did Oscar’s pile of Bullshitualus.
When they discovered Selam in Ethiopia in 2000 – he was dubbed “Lucy’s Baby.” Again, the embarrassment was excruciating – Selam turned out to be 120,000 years older than his “mother”. Talk about an immaculate conception…
SCHIZOID DICK AND THE COCKATOO
The African Grey is regarded as the “Einstein” of the parrot species. Apparently it has the thinking power of a human toddler, which is why you should never read it Chicken Little or Darwin’s On the Origin of Species. It could stunt your pecker-head’s mental development, or worse still, turn it into an atheist.
Having a nervous twitch is one thing, but shouting out an involuntary barrage of obscene words at the same time, will sadly put an end to any aspirations you may have had of becoming a member of your local Toastmasters club. It’s probably best that you also excuse yourself from funerals.
NO SEX TALK PLEASE, WE’RE DARWINISTS
It’s the opposite of the fornix erogenous zone or G-spot, which I’m willing to admit is a bit of an embarrassing “don’t know” area of mine. In fact, I gave up searching for it after my first girlfriend kneed me in mine, while I was fumbling around searching for hers. .
You can definitely rule the praying mantis out as the first species that managed to get it on. The females eat their partner afterwards, unlike females belonging to the human species, who prefer to devour their partner’s souls, slowly, over a long period of time. At least the female praying mantis puts them out of their misery right away – “that’s is Casanova, I don’t need you anymore and I’m hungry” – chomp.
BERNIE THE BUSKER AND THE FOUNTAIN OF ETERNAL YOUTH
She refers to it as the “blueprint, that makes you, you” – when she said that, I nearly chocked to death on a piece of popcorn that I inhaled down my windpipe, while I rolling around on my couch laughing. “Fantastic,” I thought. “Here you are talking about eternal life here, and you almost killed me.”
I observed his pacing back and forth and eventually I couldn’t supress myself and I shouted, “Hey Bernie, what’s the trouble?” I will take his reply to the grave with me. “I’ve forgotten where I parked my caravan.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE – EXPLORING THE OUTER LIMITS OF NATURAL STUPIDITY
Remember when NASA lost a Mars orbiter because part of the team of programmers used metric units and the other half used imperial units?
Then in their haste to get an American into space they didn’t cater for astronauts needing to answer the call of nature. Alan Shepard had to relieve himself in his spacesuit after the launch was delayed for five hours. Eight years later, a rogue turd terrorised astronauts on the Apollo 10 on their way back to earth after landing on the moon.
NATURALLY BAMBOOZLED – THE LONG LOST ART OF RECOGNISING BOLLOCKS
Solid evidence? Yeah for sure. Just run that solid evidence by me again – you know, that evidence proving that life began from chemicals, which then turned into amino acids and proteins. That solid evidence that proves that all life on this planet comes from algae and jellyfish. That solid evidence that proves that after walking out of the ocean, apes got bored swinging from trees and got themselves Facebook and Twitter accounts, so that they could talk about the solid science of evolution.
I tend prefer stories that don’t induce nausea. The memories of trying to read Darwin’s On the origin of the Species are still too fresh for me. I’d rather force-feed myself fried pig testicles, sautéed in Turkish delight and liquorice, while listening to Eminem singing his infamous Puke song…
PRETZEL LOGIC – THE VESTIGIAL IMPERFECTIONS OF THE PERFECT
While I haven’t seen Maria Sharapova’s genitals, and admittedly would pay good money to do so, I did some research into this imperfection and found that the anus is positioned where it is for a perfectly good reason.
One day a pretzel nearly killed George Bush in the Oval office when it got stuck in his pharynx. Office. I’m pretty sure he wished that he had a diaper on that day.
ANNO MUNDI – THE DAY WITHOUT YESTERDAY
Every building has a builder – everything made has a maker – be it a candle, clay pot, computer, shotgun or block of cheese. Even trouble has a maker. Why then is it so absurd that the world does too?
However, after my nocturnal encounter this time I thought “fuckit, I’m here for a holiday, not a battle with the principalities of light and darkness.”
YOU NEED TO MIND THE CRAP EVERY NOW AND ZEN
It was just two days after the 1999 Paddington rail disaster and I could detect a hint of alarm in their eyes – “what does he know? Why didn’t he board the train?”
So today, I’m going to don my Buddhist robe – and yes, I even look irresistible in orange. That’s why I can never let them to send me to prison.
MENSA, DENSA AND THE KINSMEN OF BABEL
These three wise men have been the “ings and kins” clan that have occupied the modern day Tower of Babel, babbling on and on eternally about there being no eternity, nothing being everything and everything being nothing. Like their names, even their incoherent babblings rhyme.
On Larry King Live, on CNN in 2010, Steve Hawking said; “Time travel is possible. You can warp space so much that you could fly off in a rocket and return before you set out.” Whoa… hold on here – you mean that someday I’ll be able to go back to a time before I existed and slip my Dad a condom?
THE MAYHEM FILES – EYES WIDE SHUT
THE POOR LITTLE RICH BOYS
When you name an international company, the chances are it belongs to them – Nestle, Kellogg’s, Sony, all the major film studios in Hollywood, Pfizer… yes even that Viagra tablet you keep stashed away in the corner of your wallet comes to you from this dynamic duo. In fact, everything else in your wallet, apart from your kid’s photo, probably belongs to them too.
So it looks like the next big fireworks display we are going to see on TV, will be in Iran and there are no prizes for guessing where after that – bye-bye Kim Jong-Un – no more erections or elections for you.
NOT NOW JOHN
There’s another pile of pish I don’t buy into – “the Global Village” – no it’s not. It’s a global basket case – a social experiment that’s going horribly wrong and that’s precisely the way those conducting it, want it – it was never meant to be a success.
He used a very interesting analogy in it. He said that if you put a frog in a saucer of water and heat it up, slowly and gradually enough, until it reaches boiling point, the frog will not jump out – it will simply sit there and boil to death. It’s not a nice analogy to contemplate, but his words to those watching were even more chilling… “And you, my friend, are that frog.”
THE TERRIBLE TWINS
Wait, let me get this straight. First they debunk it as “myth” and then they sell its benefits to us? Why are my bullshit detector’s sirens going off?
Bullshit you say? Guess what? Tests on implementing a cashless economy are already well underway in Nigeria. The plan is to phase paper money out and make their currency 100% digital. Picking one of the most notoriously corrupt places in the world to start off with, was a shrewd move. It will be hailed as a huge success and a massive blow against crime and money laundering. The world will go gaga over it – how do I know this? I know how stupid people are, that’s how.
WIKI-LEAKING INTO THE WIND
My only hope is that Richard Branson buys Google, or starts up his own Virgin search engine – maybe that way we’ll get news that hasn’t been screwed around with yet.
Big deal – so he fondled a couple of pairs of breasts along the way – if that’s a crime, I belong in Maximum Security. Fondling breasts a crime – lying and suppressing information, not a crime?
THE FRIAR TUCK PARADOX
Mahatma Gandhi, when questioned about his thoughts on technology, stated that there had to be more to life than increasing its speed.
How much more technology do we need? Look at the size of us already, doing fuck-all but sit on our arses staring at a computer screen all day long. How many more gadgets do we need to make life even less of an exertion?
IT’S A MAD, MAD PILL-POPPING WORLD
The human brain is the most powerful computer on this planet and the only one made out of meat. It’s also quite a delicacy in Papua New Guinea, the DRC and Liberia.
With all the whacko conspiracy theories abounding these days, its little wonder that half the people on the planet are on drugs.
That reminds me, it’s time for my happy pill.
THE DISQUIETING REALITY OF THE COMFORTABLY DUMB
How about the Imam conducting Friday prayers at the mosque and the Rabbi leading shul on a Saturday? Do they share the same reality? Whose reality is right – are either of their realities right? Is anyone’s reality right?
Does Microsoft owe its existence to a simple carbon atom, on the bottom of the ocean floor, once upon a time, a long, long time ago?
WALTER MITTY, STEVE JOBS AND THE STRAWMAN
It happened to me one evening after taking a shower in a hotel, when I dropped my towel on the way back to the room. As I bent down to retrieve it, I glanced up at the mirror in front of me in the hallway, which was mirroring the mirror on the wall directly behind me. I was pretty lubricated at the time, but I can tell you that the sight of seeing my third eye, disappearing into an eternal vortex, sobered me up instantly. It was an epiphany of sorts.
He should know if there’s a “Magical Man in the sky” or “Spaghetti Monster” out there and what a smart choice atheism was for him, just as another real-life superhero, Christopher Hitchings, before him must have too.
BILLY THE KID AND MODERN DAY SLAVERY
There were no correctional facilities back then. There were no psychologists to rehabilitate outlaws, who had breast-feeding or abandonment issues.
The infamous outlaw, Billy the Kid, knew where he stood when Pat Garret shot him in 1881. The only admin involved afterwards was filling out a toe-tag at the Lincoln Town mortuary.
THE BITTERSWEET PENIS SOUP OF LIFE
I’m sure they would welcome a bunch of mandala clutching, bleeding hearts from Amnesty International paying them a humanitarian visit – even the male delegates – penis soup is quite a delicacy in those parts.
In 2003, the UN condemned them for eating those they had massacred. I’m sure the rebels must have said “oh NO – the UN has condemned us – now we’re in big trouble! They might send Oprah to lecture us, or even worse, send Bono to sing at to us.”