WHY PIGS CAN’T FLY AND OTHER FISHY TALES

Back in 1859 Charles Darwin had a dream that evolved into a theory. Almost 160 years on it’s still ever popular, even though Charlie warned that it should not be considered fact, until fossil evidence of intermediary species was found, correctly deducing that there should be countless millions of such fossils.

That’s just about all he got right. Nevertheless today his fantasy is in biology text books and being taught to children as fact. For some reason, it’s important to teach our kids that the 80 million living species on this planet, including humans, come from amino acids and carbon rocks way down below the ocean. Apparently it’s beneficial to their development to believe this.

That’s why for many decades the Coelacanth was touted as a species that was readying itself to walk out of the ocean and start running The Two Ocean’s Marathon. Then a live one turned-up off the coast of East London.

It was swiftly dubbed the first “living fossil”, but tests proved that the live specimen was identical to the 300 million year-old “transitional fossils” they had been proudly displaying. To add insult to injury, it was later discovered that far from being extinct for 80-million years, the Coelacanth was, in fact, a very much alive and thriving species in the waters off the Comoro Islands and a delicacy amongst locals. I hear they make lovely fishcakes.

To be fair to Charlie, his theory was based on what he called the Primordial Pond, which got struck by lightning, causing the chemicals in the water to spark into life. For many decades scientists rallied around this theory calling it abiogenesis, but Louis Pasteur, the father of medicine’s biogenesis experiments, still stand as proof that inorganic chemicals cannot become living organisms.

So after striking-out with that theory, they changed the story to hydro-thermal vaults, containing carbon, many fathoms below the ocean. Sounds impressive doesn’t it? It’s not when you fathom it out. Here’s why – carbon can only come from previously living matter, which means that something must have lived and died to create it. That’s why they call oil “fossil fuels”. That’s right – when you fill your tank up, you are driving on high-octane, diluted Dinosaur juice and you can thank God those bastards are safely buried thousands of metres below the desert sands and ocean floor.

How they got there is anybody’s guess, but evidently some of them must have been able to fly, to avoid the catastrophe that buried their mates alive. That’s how we know that birds were dinosaurs before – yes, even your pet budgie, Charlie, is a descendant of Tyrannosaurus Rex. That’s what evolutionary pundits claim to be fact. Sounds a bit fact-up to me.

So let me get this story straight – the Amazon Jungle came from algae? Killer whales used to be jellyfish? Man used to be a molecule? Amoebas turned into insects and animals? I must buy this theory because some ponce in a white coat with a science degree reckons so?

I’ve met many people with degrees and have invariably found most of them to be varying degrees of bungling, befuddled idiots. That’s not my theory – that’s my experienced fact. Sure they may be geniuses in their field, but many of them are clueless outside of it. In fact take a scientist outside and toss a cricket ball to him – I’m willing to bet it will hit him right on the noggin, ten times in a row. Ask one of them to change a wheel and see how many weeks it takes him.

It’s intellectual autism. I think I must write a paper on it and gain some overdue recognition for my intellectual terrorism.

But, my major beef with the evolution story is why pigs, our closest biological relative, have been omitted from their rock-to-molecule-to-ape-to-man theory? Why? Obviously it wouldn’t be Kosher to tell people that they are made of pork.

Most of all, I’m disappointed that pigs didn’t evolve wings. Call me an ignorant swine, who doesn’t understand evolution, but flying pigs would make life far more interesting. Never mind a dove swooping and pooping in your eye, or a pigeon dropping a wet one on your chicken mayo sandwich, just as you are about to take your first bite.

Imagine a sunny day on Clifton beach, with pigs swirling around above the ape-descended, frat-boy ignoramuses strutting their stuff below and a hurtling, sloppy projectile, splattering all over their Raybans.

Somehow, I think that either God or evolution failed us here, but I won’t give up on my attempts to mate my pet ostrich with my pet pig.

©Mayhemfiles2018

SONA, DAVOS AND SOBs

Presidential speeches and political conferences are usually dull affairs I avoid like paying tax. That was before Zuma and Trump came along. Zuma’s annual SONA speeches have become a firm favourite with me and I will be devastated if he gets the bullet before the 2018 SONA speech. It has been one of the comedic highlights of the year for me for the past seven years.

At least I have the upcoming Davos conference to look forward to. Wherever Trump goes, my TV remote follows. I hear that the liberal snowflakes in the USA are organising a demonstration to apologise for him going – before he even gets there! – Now that’s what I call entertainment and I know that the rest is going to be a rollicking riot of hilarity and mayhem. Who will he snub, who will he slur, who will he insult, who will he fob-off and say “no more US dollars for you” to this time? The only thing I can think of that could rival this for top-notch entertainment would be inviting Larry Flint or Harvey Weinstein to a POWA conference. I can’t wait.

The theme for this year’s conference is “Creating a Shared Future in a Fractured World” – pretty much the same type of stock-standard, globalist, pie-in-the-sky pish they have used for such conferences for the past 47 years. How well that has worked out, with half of Europe rapidly turning into slum nations.

I wonder if the immigration budget is going to be on the agenda this time. That’s right, they actually budget for immigration – so many million for Germany, so many million for Italy, so many million for Spain, so many million for Greece, right down to so many thousand for Limerick in Ireland, but none for Davos or the host country Switzerland – they only accept immigrants from places like Italy, Germany, Portugal and France, not from shithole countries in Africa. That’s about the only thing they have in common with Donald and I’m pretty sure he won’t miss the opportunity to raise this titbit when gets the mic. He enjoys making tits of globalists and philanthropists and watching them squirm.

Philanthropist and proud, self-confessed former Nazi collaborator George Soros is a regular attendee of the conference. He has philanthropically sent millions to their death and destroyed the lives of millions by bankrupting their currencies and turning their countries into shitholes, which qualifies him as VIP at this annual gathering of the world’s finest, inglorious global glitterati. I hope that Trump accidentally bumps this sicko down a steep flight of stairs, or gives him a WWE slam dunk on the marble floor in the men’s room when he goes for a shit.

Thanks to Trump, the word “shit” has been elevated to the forefront of the current global political narrative and hopefully it will get its rightful place and go down in the annals of history, in future history books – I know that’s a bum pun, but like DT, I can’t resist causing mayhem. That’s if books are still around in the future – I hear that artificial intelligence is on the Davos agenda this year. I hope that ‘global warming’ is too. Trump has called it a “hoax” – perhaps this time he’ll go one better and call it “bullshit” – which it is – especially the bit about us being able to control it through carbon taxes. I find that particularly hilarious.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been so excited about an event that I could proverbially shit in my pants – in previous years, when I read about Davos, it triggered a bout nausea – much like reading the mainstream newspapers headlines always does to me.

I see that the media is also on the agenda. I wonder what they are going to discuss. The usual banning of “hate speech”, “gender insensitive” and “racist” references to minorities, excluding white males, of course – you can direct as much hate speech, gender insensitive and racist references as you like to heterosexual white males. Straight white males are racist, sexist scum and should die, according to Oprah, who the delegates at Davos are pinning their hopes on to beat Trump in 2020 – they were so sure that Hillary would in 2016, but even with Soros’ rigged voting machines, they got thumped and trumped and now they have to deal with Trump, and I know that he is most certainly going to deal with them next week.

Twitter and Facebook are going to be jammed with liberal retards tweeting and bleating their bleeding heart, arrested development tirades and I bet that George Clooney is going to go looney again.

Go get ‘em Donald, hit those sobs hard. I’m counting on you now that the chances of Jacob Zuma presenting his 8^th SONA speech in South Africa are in the balance. I know you won’t disappoint me – the rest of the world perhaps – but not me. Do what you do best – arrive, raise hell and leave.

©Mayhemfiles2018

 

ANOTHER SHITSTORM IN A TEACUP

Abba cut their famous hit song, SOS, back in 1975. Times have changed since then – back then a shithole was a shithole and insane liberals were either flushed away with hoses or thrown into some shithole jail. Today they run the media – and never before has humanity been on the verge of drowning in shit and more desperately in of an SOS in history.

Speaking of history – I can’t help wondering what Lyndon B. Johnson would have made of the latest shitstorm in a liberal teacup, if he was around today? In the run-up to his election in 1963, LBJ said of the incumbent POTUS he was challenging  ; “Gerry Ford is so dumb, he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” Imagine Trump saying something like that about Oprah in the run up to the 2020 Presidential election?

Imagine how ape-shit CNN would go? Okay Ford was a white male, so the usual sexist, racist hashtag tirades wouldn’t work, but I bet they would be able to spin something about it being “a deplorable, crude and insensitive slur on the mentally-challenged”. That’s how mentally-challenged the human race is right now.

What about Sir Winston Churchill, who was famed for his sarcastic put-downs, often directed at, Nancy Astor, the first female Member of Parliament, in the UK, with whom he had a long and very acrimonious relationship, back in the 30s and 40s. One day, in a heated debate in parliament, Astor became so enraged with Churchill that she told him that if she was his wife, she would poison him. Churchill replied; “Madam, if I was your husband I would drink it”. On another occasion, the two of them crossed paths in the elevator late one night. She after working for hours; he after drinking for hours. Astor scolded Churchill for his “disgraceful drunken state”. He replied; “Yes madam, but you are ugly and tomorrow when I wake up I shall be sober and you will still be ugly”.

Holy shit, imagine Donald Trump saying that to Nancy Pelosi today? – Okay now the roles are reversed – Trump is a teetotaller and Nancy enjoys hitting the bottle on the job and drunkenly slurring her way through her incoherent speeches.  Let’s face it, running up a $100 000 bar tab is a feat even the heavy drinking Churchill would be hard pressed to emulate, if he was still around today. One thing’s for sure though, the ‘Nancy’s’ in charge of the liberal mainstream media today would be going bat shit crazy again.

Not that Trump doesn’t enjoy slurring his way through his speeches too. He certainly seems to make sure that he always includes a liberal smattering of slurs in them, to upset the liberal Nancy media.

LBJ famously said that “being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There’s nothing to do but stand there and take it”. That’s when POTUS’ were still men, not politically-correct Nancy boys. The shitstorm after shitstorm Trump has had to stand and take, make LBJ’s hailstorms look like great picnic weather. Never before has any POTUS had to endure as much crap from the media as Trump has and he seems to be enjoying every minute of it. Love him or hate him, one thing’s for sure – DT is nobody’s Nancy boy.

Nobody can deny that and nobody can deny that Haiti has always been, and still is a shithole – even in these dark, enlightened times. A shithole I’d recommend sensitive liberals go visit to experience the voodoo, black magic, blood sacrifices and other colourful occult rituals and traditions that make Haiti the seething shithole that it is. Well, those things and the billions of dollars the Clinton’s stole from it through their multi-billion dollar money laundering ‘charity’ Foundation, which they are the primary beneficiaries of.

Haiti has a very flimsy extradition treaty with the USA, but I bet the Clinton’s have struck it off the list of potential countries they could flee to, to avoid spending the rest of their unnatural lives in a US prison. Haitians hate them. That’s why I’d love to see Trump shackle and deport them there – why waste American taxpayer’s dollars on trying them in the USA? Let them see if they can lie themselves out it again in a Haitian court and see if the judge over there will buy their bullshit as easily as Comey did.

I can’t wait for the 2020 presidential elections in the USA – and I truly hope that the Dems nominate Oprah. The debates between this bloated Tinseltown madam and Trump and are going to be a hoot. I hope that her health holds out, because she looks way too bloated for my liking – pimping out young girls to the Hollywood elite, and hosting talk shows doesn’t require much physical exertion.

Perhaps she just needs to fart very badly.

©Mayhemfiles2018

 

ASTERIX AND OBELIX BUILT THE PYRAMIDS

The pyramids of Giza stand as a triple “take this and shove it” finger gesture to mainstream, modern day science and its “random universe” and “natural selection” theories. I use the word theories very generously – they are hypotheses – even Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings and Douglas Adams’ Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy could be postured as hypotheses. In fact the Asterix cartoon compendium could be too.

So scientists reckon that a cartoon drawing of a tree back in 1859 is a miracle and that there is nothing incredible at all about the physical pyramids that actually exist. They even reckon that we can build them.

Well unlike words, numbers can’t lie, because mathematics is a lie-proof language, as opposed to science, which has been caught out lying more times than a Thai hooker, telling a sailor that she “roves him velly much” when the navy comes to town.

Science is not big on physical evidence. In fact it avoids it like a STD. That’s why they avoid the pyramids and why I have avoided science since the discovery of the Coelacanth.

Personally I’d rather stick to things that have been proven. Facts like this…

The Aswan granite mine, which according latest calculations, the 7-million stones required to build the Giza complex came from, is 500 miles away. The average weight of each stone is 1170 tonnes – a very significant historical number, and a number Bob Marley made millions with, with his famous and brilliant hit Exodus.

That would require 7-million, 1000 mile, round trips back and forth – in a time before the wheel was invented. Even with our sophisticated wheel-driven equipment today, it would take us at least 25 hours to move each stone. Even if we had the vehicles to move 100 of them per day, it would take us around 200 years just to transport them, but that assumes that the miners at the quarry would have been able to mine and cut them at a rate of one hundred per day – that’s one every twelve minutes, for two hundred years straight, 24/7. With rocks and chisels for tools? Yeah, well not even ten thousand Chuck Norris’ would be able to pull that stunt off today.

Numbers don’t lie. Numbers are the language of mathematics and mathematics has given us time, measurement and technology. And without precise mathematics this universe would not exist. Naturally all of this occurred by random chance say genius scientists like Lawrence M. Krauss, Richard Dawkins, Steve Hawking, Neil DeGrasse Tyson and many other Nutty Professors of their ilk.

They even reckon that it is mathematically possible for a tornado to sweep over a junkyard and assemble a brand new Ferrari, with an immaculate paint job and that you can smash a computer into tiny pieces, toss the shards into a tumble drier and that a brand new computer will emerge.

I say no chance and I say no possible probability either – there’s a big difference between chance and probability – your chance of winning the lottery is 50/50 – either you do, or you don’t – the mathematical probability of that happening, however, is around 4-billion to one. But our fantastically gifted scientists prefer chance over mathematical probability. That’s how ingenious they are.

They reckon, the pyramid alignments with celestial bodies and true magnetic north, were a fluke and by pure chance. They reckon that the Incas did the same thing, on the other side of the planet, by pure chance.

According to these rocket science geniuses, the mathematical fact that a circle drawn around the exterior points of the pyramids, divided by a circle drawn within the interior of the pyramids, equals the speed of light – a universal constant and that this calculation also defined another universal constant, Pi, thousands of years before either of them were discovered – apparently this can also be written-off to chance.

That the metric system was used thousands of years before it was invented – again, obviously by random chance, because clever scientists say it’s possible. That the value of the cubit measurement, used in the construction of the pyramids, the cornerstone of engineering and construction today, was also a random coincidence.

Coincidentally, to put this into sane context, you would stand more chance of predicting the lottery numbers every week, for the rest of you life. That’s why I can’t wait for science to discover time travel. Apparently they think they will.

I can’t fantasise about anything that can beat taking today’s newspaper back to yesterday and heading off to the racetrack. Better still, I’d like to travel back and slip my dad a condom and not have been forced to listen to scientists gazing up black holes and beating their chests to claim that they found no sign of the “big guy” on Jupiter.

As good old Obelix would have said – “by Jupiter, not only the Romans are idiots”

©Mayhemfiles2018

PI AND THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

What if I told you that earth is actually a clock? You’d laugh and call me nuts, right?

Well, here’s what I call nuts – people believing – apparently very, very smart ones, that once upon a time there were trillions of tiny little bubbles of energy floating around out there in space, hundreds of billions of years ago, and that these tiny little bubbles began to attract each other until they became one massive mass of solid matter that exploded to randomly form the universe, billions of galaxies, billions of stars and millions of planets including ours, with mathematical precision. They call it the Cosmic Inflation model. Some people even call it science.

You would have noticed, in that story, the presence of some really big numbers – trillions, billions and millions. Let’s leave that Pi in the Sky story and come back down to earth for a moment and take a look at a very small number – 3.146, the rounded-off value of Pi. Now what if I told you that this number solves the mystery of the universe? You must be cracking-up – well, let’s see how “nuts” this idea is.

For thousands of years, the mysteries of the pyramids of Giza have baffled scientists. From the outside the pyramids look fairly ordinary to the naked eye, but inside them is an elaborate maze of passages, chambers and levels, hollowed out in solid granite to mathematical precision over four millenniums ago, which no equipment on earth today can replicate to the same degree of accuracy and precision. The pyramids also are aligned north to one five-hundredth of a degree, five times more precise than anything modern day engineers have been able to achieve, so far, with their sophisticated equipment. They are also aligned 30 degrees to the Equator and designed to match the Equinox cycle. “So what?” you may say. Well, here’s the creepy thing – the equator was only identified nearly five millennia later.

But the pyramids of Giza are not the only sacred ancient sights around the world that baffle scientists. There are hundreds, but I’m only going to focus on those that are aligned in a perfect 25 000 mile circle around the earth within a 100 kilometre band, beginning at the pyramids of Giza and ending at the remotest place on earth, Easter Island. All by pure chance according to some scientists. Aldous Huxley famously said that a fact does not cease to be a fact simply because it’s ignored. Well guess who ignores this fact? Yep – science does. Scientists write this off to chance. Want to know why? Because it doesn’t fit into their random universe theory, but I’m not even nearly finished yet.

Apparently, according to science, it is also pure chance that Giza in Egypt, is directly in line with the Machu Picchu pyramids in Peru, thousands of miles away, on another continent and that Machu Picchu is directly in line with all of the other ancient sites in Peru – the Nazca tracks, the Sacsayhuaman fortress, the Paratoari pyramids and the baffling elongated, neither man nor primate, skulls of Paracas and the Ollyantaytambo Inca ruins, which are directly in line with the Dogon Sands near Timbuktu in Mali, Tassili n’Ajjer in the Algerian Sahara, a UNESCO World Heritage site, Petra in Jordan, the ancient Sumarian city of Ur in Iraq, where Abraham was allegedly born or actually born – nobody on his planet really knows, Persepolis in Iran, Mohenjo Daro in Pakistan, a city with a sophisticated street grid and drainage system, as advanced as the urban planning we use today, built 2500 BCE, the Khajuraho Temple in India, commonly referred to as the place where the God’s dwelt, another World Heritage site, the ancient walled city of Pyay in Myanmar, the Sukhothai Temple ruins in Thailand, the iconic Angkor Wat complex in Cambodia and finally ending at the Rapa Nui site on Easter Island, famed for its 887 statues with elongated heads and tattooed bodies. All of these sites aligned around the globe, purely by random chance, according to scientists.

But, there’s even more. The distance between Nazca in Peru and the Angkor Wat in Cambodia is precisely the same as the distance between Mohenjo Daro in Pakistan and Easter Island and they are also perfectly horizontally aligned to form perfect arcs and perfect semi-circles. Pure chance again, naturally.

Anyone with any low-level, basic mathematical understanding should know that circles and Pi are intricately interconnected.

Now brace yourself for this – Pi also appears in all forms of life on this planet – even in plants, trees, insects, animals and humans, and it also appears in the orbital cosmic patterns, the speed of light and the speed of the earth’s orbit.

I have left a lot of detail out of this, but those seeking to explore this further can go to the link below and watch the 37 years of research and thousands of kilometres of travel it took to compile this information.

Then reconsider the random Cosmic Inflation model, scientists try to peddle us as being exact science. Ya gotta be kidding me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiQ8l7Vbgic

©Mayhemfiles2018

 

 

 

 

OPEN LETTER TO CYRIL RAMAPHOSA

Dear Cyril

I couldn’t help noticing that the last five letters of your name spell PHOSA. Minus the H that’s a very serendipitous coincidence indeed, considering that you are preparing to become the next POSA, when you finally manage to evict the current POSA and his five first ladies from Groote Schuur.

Despite the clamour of calls for him to hit the road and never come back, he still looms as omnipresent and omnipotent as ever. When will this nightmare South Africans have been waking up to for the last eight years end? Waking up from a nightmare is one thing – waking up to one every day is psychologically damaging and I think that I might need some low-level shock therapy to erase the memory from my mind.

Some people say that Donald Trump was predicted in the Bible, in Isaiah 45, which talks about trumpets heralding a great leader who will build a wall. As you know Trump is the 45^th POTUS, which makes this a rather bizarre coincidence, regardless of your religious affiliation.

I can’t find any reference to you in the Bible, but the POSA coincidence fills me with great hope that you are the man destined to become SA’s Donald Trump. I hope you don’t mind the comparison, but you are both no-nonsense type of guys and you are both Forbes’ Top-40 billionaires. By the way, congratulations on beating that chump Trump – he’s $2.8bn poorer than you.

It doesn’t surprise me that you both have also been accused of being womanisers, by your opponents, which has become very a popular strategy in democracies around the world lately. Apparently being a womaniser is far more damning than being a corrupt, lying, cheating thief these days. Trump saved the world from Hillary Clinton, who eclipses your rival JZ in the corruption stakes. He only stole Nkandla and a few billion in small change from the treasury – she stole hundreds of billions and the whole of Haiti. Please don’t let these frivolous accusations about your frivolity distract you from the task at hand.

What I would do if I was you is – do what Donald did – call them out for making up fake news. Besides, womanising isn’t against the law yet. So tell those sore Zuma crony losers in KZN to get on with their jobs, or you will fire them, or fire at them, like you did at Marikana. That’s where Trump can learn a lot from you and teach those Antifa protesters running amok in America a lesson.

The similarities between you and DJT don’t end there – apart from the womanising angle, they are also suggesting irregularities in the voting processes that got you elected – in the USA they blamed the Russians – I’m not sure who they are going to blame here – my money is on the white monopoly capitalists, perhaps even Markus Jooste, but nevertheless, I again would do what Donald did – audit the results and prove that you won by an even bigger margin.

The one thing that has disappointed me about Donald Trump is that he has been a little soft on Hillary since becoming #1. I know JZ has 783 counts of fraud to answer to – Hillary twice as many, plus a host of hits on people investigating her to answer to. Perhaps he’s just giving her enough rope to hang herself with. I don’t think JZ needs any more rope – he’s had enough rope to bungee off Table Mountain with already, and everyone knows he did it – besides, all you need to do is issue a command to review Shabir Shaik’s medical parole and he’ll sing like a bird. That’ll wipe the grin off that grinning hyena’s face.

Getting back to Markus Jooste – you’ve got to admit that the ‘boytjie’ has an impressive CV. He knows how to manipulate balance sheets, fool auditors and evade the media, which would make him an ideal candidate for governor of the Reserve Bank, when you guys nationalise it. Investor confidence will be at an all-time low then, so you’ll have nothing to lose and your party certainly needs some fresh Afrikaner blood now that Derek Hanekom and Marthinus Christoffel Johannes “Kortbroek” van Schalkwyk, which must be some kind of world record for a politician with the longest name, have fallen out of favour.

It seems becoming Minister of Tourism in an ANC cabinet is a career limiting move, speaking of which, isn’t it time to move Rob Davies to the Tourism Ministry? How has he managed to survive Zuma’s eleven (another world record) cabinet reshuffles? Perhaps it’s a good thing he can’t count past eleven.

©Mayhemfiles2018

 

ANOTHER OPEN LETTER TO DONALD TRUMP

Dear Donald,

Just down the road from the hallowed halls of Westminster, Julian Assange remains holed-up in the Ecuadorian Embassy, because of trumped-up sex charges against him, which he has proven to be the false machinations of the mainstream media, much like the charges levelled against you are.

As far as I know consensual sex between two heterosexual adults is still legal. Shameful I know. I empathise with the LGBT community. Heterosexuality is sexist and should be banned. The sooner the better – I love flirting with the law – and even more so with women and banning flirting would make both far more exciting, risky and risqué for me. Besides, I’m holed-up in South Africa which can’t be much worse than being holed-up in an embassy – even the Pakistani one.

But the reason I’m writing to you is not because of this ongoing injustice, which I’m sure President Winfrey will make one of her first priorities when the Democrats win the White House back in 2032.

It’s about the media and our fellow heterosexual brother’s trial by media. I know there’s no love lost between you and the media, but at least you are still allowed to leave the White House occasionally, even though you caught them lying. Our Australian friend did exactly the same, six years ago and like you did, proved it, and he hasn’t seen a blade of grass since then, let alone a golf course.

To me, you seem to be a very fair man, despite what CNN and Ellen Degenerate say. Surely this is unfair? The man’s golf handicap is going to pieces over a load of pussified fake charges concocted against him – I know you don’t mind the word, even though the media went into hysteria about your locker room banter with your mates about grabbing some. Well there’s no locker room banter or even the thought of grabbing some for our Ozzie mate.

So an Australian came along and did a better job of informing the public in the USA about what was really going on than the media and CIA put together. And let’s face it, neither are great mates of yours either. Look what they tried to do to you – an American. Strangely, they didn’t seem to have a problem with a Kenyan telling them what to do.

Here’s an opportunity for you to really peeve them – free Julian Assange and make him one of your personal advisors. Frankly, I’m worried about some the folk on your team – they went through eight years of Obama, way too contentedly for my liking and hardly even made a fuss about his fake birth certificate. I don’t trust them, apart from your VP and Trey Gowdy, and I think that you need another honest man on your team. Imagine how much it will peeve McCain, Obama and the Clinton’s? What about that Clinton crony Comey?

You have done lots of good things in your first year, but for me you have been a little soft on your “drain the swamp” promises. I know keeping fools around can be useful and that the more they lie, the more they hang themselves – after six years of incarceration, for being honest and exposing the truth, I wouldn’t blame Julian Assange for thinking of doing the same. Assange’s former colleague, Chelsea Manning, who was still Bradley at the time, tried to in 2016 and Obama commuted her sentence, which I think was probably one of the only things he ever did that I agreed with in his eight years at the helm. You can go one better and offer her a position as well – it will confuse the hell out of Democrats, the feminists and the LGBT brigade – a classic “take that and shove it up any orifice you like” trifecta. Then you can repeal their three toilet program at schools to really get them in tizz.

I don’t want to push my luck here and bring Edward Snowdon up, besides it seems that Vlad is taking good care of him and the women in Russia, which as you full well know, beat the pants off the hung-up, loud-mouthed, wannabe Madonna/Miley Cyrus/Katy Perry/Kim Kardashian clones 99% of the heterosexual and transsexual women in USA are today.

I’m very seldom serious about anything, but I’m serious about this. I couldn’t give a discarded KFC bag of scraps on Earth Day about most causes, particularly the global warming trash you rightfully trashed, but this is a cause I’d like to see you take up. This and finally taking Rocket Man out. Just one more favour – throw that sorry, sicko Soros into a cell on Gitmo.

Yours faithfully

Alfred E. Newman

Editor-in-chief

The Mayhem Files

(Not to be confused with Alfred E. Neuman, Editor-in-Chief of Mad Magazine)

©Mayhemfiles2018